Aardvark-- A mythical African creature invented to appease the dictionary gods. Often considered to look much like a long eared pig. True believers will attempt to mislead you into thinking that the mighty aardvark eats termites and ants, while sane people realize that this was only true back before pizza chains had infiltrated sub-Saharan Africa.
Abacus-- A calculation tool brought into existence by ancient cultures who were too lazy to invent the calculator. Thus many areas of math and science were forced to evolve slowly over thousands of years. This is a perfect example of why you should not procrastinate--if these pre-historical people had done their job, I would be living on Naardvarkia 4 right now.
Acronym -- Horrible little creatures created in the depths of bureaucracy. They should be stomped on wherever possible, in order to limit the breeding population to three letter variants. (People trying to protect this rare breed have led to the overwhelming boom of mutant "long" acronyms.) The USA PATRIOT Act actually stands for something!!!! According to official sources, "This Act may be cited as the `Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism (USA PATRIOT ACT) Act of 2001' " It is up to each and every one of us to stop these evolving acronyms before they attempt to take over our world! If you do not believe this is a credible threat, go watch "Evolution" and see what parallels you can infer. If any character from the X-Files is concerned about something enough to make a lame-yet-funny movie, it must be a real threat.
ACT-- A sadistic plot by educators in the western US to drive high school students to insanity. After endless hours of procrastination, they are forced to go take a test at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning in order to prove they are worthy of going to college. At least the test isn't as worthless as the SAT. (If you would like to argue with my viewpoint, you must have scored a 30 or higher on the ACT. Or be directly involved in the decision making process for Jason's further education.)
Alcohol -- The source of most embarrassing situations at work Christmas parties. It is a very durable invention though; it has survived the rise and fall of nearly every major civilization known to history. Likely as the cause of both the rise and fall itself. (Ever been to a large party? It becomes large as people hear about the alcohol, and then comes to a crashing halt when the drinks run out.)
Anteater-- A mythical... oh, never mind. I don't have the energy to deal with all you religious fanatics. They are "real" and they live in South America. As the name implies, they eat termites. OK, occasionally ants also.
Antelope Island-- An island located in the Great Salt Lake. Created entirely by the wasted parts of Antelope killed by early white explorers as the entered Utah.
Armadillo-- An animal native to the America's. In the US they are most commonly found in Texas. These are not a mythical creature, because there are many references to them on television. And no one wants to anger the television gods again. Otherwise they will continue bringing us "reality television". Besides, armadillos have an armor-like outer skin. This probably means they are closely related to tanks and dinosaurs. With about the same inherent intelligence. For example, this description from the Wikipedia "The North American 9-banded armadillo tends to jump straight in the air when surprised, and consequently often smacks itself into the undercarriage of cars passing over it." There are also claims that armadillo's are used in researching leprosy. That's right animal activists--you were angry about using rabbits to test shampoo, so scientists have now upped the ante. Your move!
Chevron-- A place you can buy gasoline. Often identified with funny looking "Chevron with Techron" cars. I have a working theory that all Chevron's have free air compressors, so far I have found only one exception in Spanish Fork, Utah. But this particular station is redeemed by the other Chevron station a few miles down the road which does have a free air compressor. There is a long, complicated story behind this entry. In order to hear about it, you will have to send me the "research data" on Chevron stations in your area.
Christmas-- The day that Santa Claus brings a travelling BBQ of reindeer meat to every home around the world. Parents trick children into leaving out milk and cookies to lure Santa into the home. While he is busy snacking the parents gorge themselves on delicious, tender reindeer meat. Once Santa realizes his unprotected dinner is going to be consumed, he throws presents at the parents to drive them away from the sleigh. These presents are then used to bribe the children into providing milk and cookies again the next year. The real question here is why Santa has developed such a dangerous cookie addiction?
Comedian-- Funny person who is usually underpaid for all their hard work observing the world around them. To compensate, they whine about their lack of money all the time. Most "household name" comedians spend years developing material, only to have their breakthrough moment happen because of some simple on liner. "Here's your sign..." "You might be a redneck..." "Knock Knock...." and so on.
Cooking -- Something that I have to do because no one will make dinner for me. An excellent way to boost your odds of achieving the elusive "girlfriend" status.
Denmark-- The only country starting with a D that most Americans can name. And don't even try to ask them to locate it on a map....
Dishwasher--Two kinds exist, labor intensive and ineffective. The overworked human kind has been female in recent western culture, unless the husband had done something wrong. As soon as the females figured out how to make the males responsible for the task the automatic dishwasher was invented. This invention also has two subcategories. The kind that work, which are expensive and quiet. And the kind that come standard in most apartments and homes, which are loud have interesting results. I have dubbed these "catch and release" dishwashers. This sport is a lot like fishing in your own home. You reach into the dishwasher and pull out a prize, while trying to keep your feet dry. Then you inspect your catch. If you are lucky it is a keeper which can be placed in the cupboard. If you are especially unlucky it has somehow magically become dirtier than when you placed it into the dishwasher. These dishes are released back into the dishwasher to see if they can "grow up" into a clean dish someday.
Dumbshivers -- This is the feeling you get when someone you know is doing something dumb, embarrassing, or otherwise you wish you could leave, and you can't and everyone knows you are associated with them. (Contributed by Aubreybx)
Dericious -- The name of Misty's bike in Japan.
Diamond -- The expensive entry level requirement to marriage. Here is the one I was fortunate enough to purchase, and what it is doing now....
Easter -- The day we celebrate the birth of an egg laying male rabbit. This would be a relatively unremarkable event, but somehow this rabbit also manages to dye the eggs different colors and place them in trees. The inevitable undiscovered eggs are probably the source of all known jackalope's, but this theory has yet to be proven.
Entertainment -- Something that everyone would like to find. It makes us feel happy and alive! There are many places to find such things:
Firefox-- An internet browser. One of several competitors against the evil Microsoft giant. If you would like more information on how you can slow down Bill Gates eventual ability to just purchase the entire earth, go find out more here....
Girlfriend-- This is a long, complicated, and expensive topic which is best avoided at all costs. Trust me, someday you will think back and remember this moment. And then you will realize how true these words are. And want to know more of this infinite wisdom. Seriously though, I am just as confused by them as you are. I am just happy to find one that meets my humble list of requirements. (Someday this list will become public, probably after I find girlfriend version 4.3 and she is tricked into upgrading to wife 1.0)
Google-- Attempting world domination by simply owning all information in the known universe. Judging by the rampant increase in their stock price, they are well on their way. Like the Borg said, "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated!" Also the creators of the infamous Google Adsense program, where website owners can generate income through advertising. If you think this sounds interesting, get more info here....(The rest of you can read on in an uninterrupted manner.)
HOV -- High Occupancy Vehicle lane-- The lane that is for carpooling vehicles. Or basically any car with more than one person in it. In Utah people don't plan to be able to use it, it is just convenient when they can. Many people have probably wondered about ways to cheat the system.
Hijinks-- 1. A funny word. 2. A really funny word! Don't believe me? Go stand on your head in a crowded subway and start chanting hijinks over and over. You will not only get a lot of laughs, people might give you money. Or a free taxi ride to a psychiatric ward. As long as it is free, you don't care where the taxi goes.
Insanity -- Look around this Jasonpedia. You are surrounded by it. The best way to deal with this is to lose yourself in it, and find ways to add to it.
Investing -- Should be done by people trained to do such things. If you are going to ignore this advice, go after widgets. They are always a stable investment. Never going down in value. And in the "Jetson's" movie, they are somehow integral in future society. :)
Jackalope -- a cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope. Basically a jackrabbit with antlers, hatched from a undiscovered Easter egg. Generally inhabiting tourist traps in central North America, they are a rare species that have been nearly wiped out. This is due to the increasing popularity of jackalope hunting permits, and ever growing numbers of plastic easter eggs. UPDATE: Erin has pointed out a most interesting facet of jackalopes. They are supposed to be a jackrabbit/antelope mix. But they all appear to have deer antlers. Apparently the rabbits have been getting around, and nobody dares tell the antelope the truth... Or maybe Santa's reindeer... ----well, let's not start spreading vicious rumors---- :)
Kayaking -- You carefully place yourself into a cramped, funny shaped canoe. Then you paddle around enjoying yourself. It is a lot of fun.
Koala -- A vicious little bear in Australia. Thanks to their tireless PR department, most of the world has been duped into thinking they are cute and cuddly. This is going to be a disastrous situation if they ever learn how to get off their island of mutant animals.
Kowallis -- Just as funny looking as it sounds. :-) But don't take my word for it, have a look for yourself. (Impressive pictures, info on caving, and other vital information.)
Language -- An ever evolving subject, with many subtle variations. When this is combined with differences of religion, it is often the root cause of wars.
Lewd -- What you say about jerks when you can't properly enunciate an R sound.
Manatee -- A sea cow. Why would a cow be spending time in the ocean? Because these cows are hiding. The "normal" cows consider them ugly and revolting, and have banished them to the ocean. Much like we have done with fishermen and the Navy.
Naardvarkia 4-- A beatiful planet located in the outer edges of the Andromeda Galaxy. Fourth planet orbiting the star Nardvarkia. It is basically like heaven on another earth. Everyone is born smart--everyone who isn't is ground up and used for food. You've never heard of it because a couple thousand years ago someone was too lazy to invent the calculator, and settled for the abacus.
Numbat-- 1. Our pet name for the marketing director of the website. He is starting to accept this name as his own. Mostly because it is on his paychecks. 2. A mythical australian creature that eats termites. Among Australian religions it is often called a "marsupial" and one would assume is partial to drinking Foster's. Which is why it hasn't managed to hire a PR team like the Koala's.
Ogle-- What men do when they wander into electronics' stores, hardware stores, and other places where there are interesting things to admire. It isn't their fault, they are genetically programmed to do this. If you know a man suffering from this affliction, it would be best to just not take him to places where you don't want him to ogle things.
Ogre-- The cute things that inhabit swamps, caves, and often live under bridges. Also found in your local bar or tavern. Sometimes accused of ogleing while there.
Pokemon-- strange creatures led by the evil Pikachu. Nearly driven to extinction after being linked to Tara,(see Tara) and found to be building an army in Iraq. The US army has code named this near genocide "Weapons of Mass Destruction." If we do manage to save them, we will probably have to put them in Australia, since that seems to be the worlds storehouse for mutant freaks of nature.
Quote-- Something you do when you are impressed by something you find on this website ---- Or alternatively you could create a link to the item, and share it with the world via email or your own webpage. This would allow Jasonbx to rule, er.... help the rest of the world. Also you can admire the random quotes on different pages. With hard work and carefull planning, you could even say something that would get you on the list....
Radioshack-- My new source for flashlight bulbs. Not only did they have what I was looking for, they were cheaper than any other place I tried. Kudo's to them.
Religion -- Often found in the sentence, "My religion is better than yours!" This has led to countless wars, attrocities, and much time wasted poring through boring books trying to find proof of a unprovable point. And yet for some reason humanity seems to have a need for this type of thing. It has existed throughout history, a record only matched by alcohol. One may wonder if they are somehow related.
Rensved -- is a village in Jämtland, Sweden, with three farms. Try to bring that up in casual conversation.
SAT-- A strange test taken by college bound students in the United States. I live in the western US, so I have no direct experience with it. (We take the ACT) I am fairly convinced it is a worthless and unnecessary test, because I have never once needed it in my lifetime.
Smurf -- A blue humanoid creature approximately three apples tall. Don't ask what kind of apples, I don't know either. The important thing to find out is why they all wander around singing "La, La, La....", and still expect to not be eaten by any predator that finds them.
Tara-- Some unfortunate person who President Bush declared war on after the 9/11 "bombing" of the world trade towers. ("War on Tara") Why he believed this woman was somehow linked to a bunch of middle-eastern terrorists is still a mystery to the world, and has led to much hostility directed toward Americans. Somehow we must band together to save the remaining Pokemon from extinction due to this war.
Television -- That thing you stare at when you aren't aimlessly surfing the internet. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is boring. But it is always there to keep you from being productive or having unique experiences.
Thanksgiving -- The day that Americans gather with their family to eat obscenely large amounts of food. This is neccesary to increase our national obesity problem. We make ourselves feel better about it by watching 50 people actually get some excersize on a football field. (We of course only migrate between the kitchen, bathroom, and couch.) The only real solution to this problem is to not buy all this food, and send all of the money saved to Jasonbx. This will allow a research project into why Jason Baxter, and all of his Baxter relatives are so skinny. This won't actually help anyone else, but I will be able to answer people when they ask, "How do you eat like that and stay so skinny?"
UFO -- Un-identified flying object. Or flaming object, which sometimes is more fun for all involved.
Utah-- The greatest empire in the Galaxy. Ummm, well maybe it is just the most powerful empire on earth. Ok, it is just one piece of one of the better nations on earth. Alright, it is a backwater little state in North America. Home to an overwhelming population of rubber chickens and Mormons. But at least it has a bunch of National Parks and other wonderful scenery to make up for it.
Valet -- One of the greatest employment scams of all time. You stand outside a building and people just give their car keys to you. I don't know why we haven't all picked up on this one yet.
Wikipedia.org-- An ideal website to visit if you are looking for real facts on important topics such as aardvarks, The Simpsons, or Klingon Blood Wine. I recommend using the "random article" link--you can't help but come up with a topic that no one has ever heard of before.
Exit-- Oh wait, that doesn't go here....
Xylophone-- A mythical instrument invented to appease the dictionary gods who were wrathful over the lack of an X entry. Now they can give me back my social skills....
Yodel-- A sound invented by the pain afflicted in some stupid act. Somehow this became a popular hobby for a small deviant segment of society. (The yodelling/pain affliction idea has always been popular among males.) If you can actually create such sounds without falling, smashing an appendage, or being just plain weird, you deserve an award. To pick up your award, just hop onto a flight to Australia. The Koala's will take care of you.
Zoo -- A safety measure created to keep stupid people from being eaten or gored by wild animals while viewing them. This has caused a massive rise in the number of morons surviving to breeding age. The only hope of remedying this situation before irreversible damage occurs is to turn all the animals loose in the streets and tell people to try and ride them. (This is the model the US National Park System was founded on and used until it was corrupted by lawyers. Please go let your child ride the Grizzly Bear!!!!)